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Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1624 Status:

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?! Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, erm...no."
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase"

_________________
Regards
Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1624 Status:

A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.
"I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ******* ," screams the woman.
"That's funny," he mutters back. "You sound like her, too."

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

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Padddy was driving home drunk when he suddenly swerved to miss a tree.
And then swerved to miss another.
Then another.
Then another.
And another.
Moments later, a police car pulls him over and Padddy tells him about the trees. The copper says: "Bejeezuzs, Padddy thats your ******** air freshener!"
_________________
Regards
Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1624 Status:

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and Is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe in the power of God to intervene on the behalf
of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness,
and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
_________________
Regards
Top Dog.

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2692 Status:

man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he
Writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
Cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
A pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability,
So he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long
Robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
Look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
Emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
He writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an
Accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a
tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a
toffee apple

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1624 Status:

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. 'a recipe..'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USAfairytale and a southern USAfairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
_________________
Regards
Top Dog.

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2692 Status:

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding .

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2692 Status:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.'

Clunk · Ejected Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 935 Status:

Two tourists were driving through Wales at Llanhyfryddawellehynafolybaarcudprinddanfygy. They stopped for lunch and asked the waitress, 'Before we order could you please settle an argument for us, and pronounce where we are.....Very slowly?
The waitress leaned over and said....'Burr-Gurr-King'

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1624 Status:

i liked that one
_________________
Regards
Top Dog.

Clunk · Ejected Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 935 Status:

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the armed Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"