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Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

This is the thread to tell us your jokes.
Should they be viewed as to offenive they will be removed by the moderator team. Big Smile

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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

B&Q Warning

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b**tard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Pass this warning on.
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

Chav chat up lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Fat Penguin ... Sorry. I just wanted to say somethin' that would break the ice.

8 ) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

And ... The best fer last!!

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!!!
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

The world according to Andy rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles . I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

Just seen this on another forum, but it is one of the funniest things I have seen in ages. Hope it makes everyone smile.

Got this mailed to me, they look like VIZ letters . . .

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bdooly nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!!

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only
to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows,
motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd
never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make
ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the
matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows
and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old
woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow
began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the
old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the
field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the
farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No'
said the farmer 'who?'

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Scroll down
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Wait
for it
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It's worth it ..... trust
me
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'That was Thora
Hird.'
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.? The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Vodafone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f**k-all about my business.
Now give me back my dog.
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

3 ducks are sitting by a pond
One says 'quack'
The second says 'I was just going to say that'
The third one says '**** me, talking ducks'

A penguin walks into a bar, and says to the barman,
"My brother was in here earlier, have you seen him?"
The barman replies, "I don't know.
What does he look like?"

A routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the car park empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. My equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian,"tonight officer, I'm the designated decoy."

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other : "Flippin' 'eck, I can't drive this ! "

Q: What's got three wheels and drives along the
bottom of the riverbed?
A: A motorpike and sidecarp.

This guy is driving a truckload of penguins up the A68 to Edinburgh Zoo. He's just heading up Carter Bar when his wagon breaks down so there he is stuck in the middle of nowhere with a truck load of penguins.
He flags down a passing van and tells the driver his predicament.
'I'll give you £200 if you can take them to the zoo for me'
The van driver is headed home empty so he agrees, takes the £200 and loads up the penguins.
Next day, his wagon fixed, our guy gets to Edinburg and there he sees the van driver, leading a whole flock of penguins up the Royal Mile.
'Hey mate! I thought you were taking them to the Zoo for me' he says.
'Well I did that yesterday, but I had some money left over so now I'm taking them to see the castle'

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo".
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"Well, if it's all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady.
"But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

Two men in an airport bump into each other.
The first man says "I can't find my wife" and the second replies "I can't find mine either: what does yours look like?"
"Well", the first man replies, "she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?"
"To hell with her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".

A scouser goes on holiday to Australia and gets stopped at immigration: the official says: "I see you're scouse, Bruce: do you have a criminal record?"
The scouser replies: "I didn't think that was still an entrance requirement."

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

And the last one

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum, tishhh
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Top Dog.

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 1604 Status:

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says - "why the long face?"
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a man walks in to a bar.
he should have ducked
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Top Dog.