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Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2590 Status:

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went
upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the
bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had
got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as
she asked him what the matter was.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in!!!

Geddi · Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:43 am Post subject: A rabbi and a priest no 1

Ham Sandwich
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a bacon butty."

The priest nodded in understanding and says with a large grin on his face: "Tasty, aint it!" and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he leans in close and says,

"Better than a bacon butty, ain't it?"
_________________
Democracy is dead.

Geddi · Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:45 am Post subject: No jews

The following sign is posted in the front window of a local neighborhood business.

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 TERRORISTS.
THAN WITH ONE JEW.

GOLDBERG'S FUNERAL HOME
_________________
Democracy is dead.

Geddi · Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:49 am Post subject: A rabbi and a priest no 2.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.

The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"

The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one doin' the drinkin'."
_________________
Democracy is dead.

Geddi · Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:57 am Post subject: A jew in confession

A 91 year old man is sat in a confessional box in a catholic church. He is telling the priest inside that he has been married for 75 years to his wife whom he loves very much, but a week before he had picked up a young woman who was hitch hiking, taken the 22 year old student to a motel and had a three day sex marathon with her in violation of his marriage vows for the first time in his life.

The priest asks the old man: "How do you feel about your sin?"

The old man replies: "What sin?"

Priest: "What sin? What kind of catholic are you?"

Old man: "I'm not catholic, I'm jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you here telling me?"

Old man: "I'm telling f*c*i*ng EVERYONE!"
_________________
Democracy is dead.

Geddi · Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject:

Why don't men get multiple organsms?

We don't deserve them! Cross

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do women get periods?

Because they do!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

Can't she cook in the dark?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are men like carpets?

Once you got us laid properly, you can walk all over us!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you stop a woman giving oral sex?

Marry her!
_________________
Democracy is dead.

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2590 Status:

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2590 Status:

man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says confused "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?"
He answers," You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the
store for a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and So I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she.

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2590 Status:

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 2590 Status: