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Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 2113 Status:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yiT7MtEG5Do

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Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 2113 Status:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 2113 Status:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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kathy27 · Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject:

> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
>
> FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
>
>
> 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
>
> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
>
>
>
> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
>
> 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY
> FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO!'
>
>
>
> 'FINE!'
>
>
>
> THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
>
> 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
>
> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
>
>
>
> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
>
> 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
>
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
>
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO!'
>
>
>
> 'FINE!' SHE SAYS
>
> 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
>
> TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
>
>
>
> 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
>
> WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW'
>
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO!
>
> I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'
>
>
>
> SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
>
> COUPLE OF HOURS................
>
>
>
> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
>
> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
>
> TO GO HOME
>
>
>
> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
>
> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
>
>
> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
>
> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
>
>
>
> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
>
> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
>
>
> HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
>
> SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
>
> OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
> AND I TOLD HIM.
>
> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO
> BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
>
>
>
> HE SAID,
>
> 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
>
>
>
> SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY
> FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 4792 Status:

Rules Of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 4792 Status:

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower

Top Dog · Site Moderator Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 2113 Status:

Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings.

They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.

After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap.

The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"

The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
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Top Dog.
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Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 4792 Status:

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 4792 Status:

~DEER MEAT~
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an butt!!!'

kathy27 · Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 11:01 pm Post subject:

Don't miss to read the reply of God.....

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'