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kathy27 · Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 7:54 am Post subject:

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS .

Geddi · Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 10:52 am Post subject:

Why do women have two sets of lips?

One set to nag at you with, and the other to apologize with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"

She says, "What's that?"

He says, "We go to my house, have sex, then you disappear. Simple!"
_________________
Democracy is dead.

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 4792 Status:

like the lip joke :lol:

Block67 · Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject:

:lol: Some quotes and quips I came across:

Q: What’s the difference between a puppy and a enviromentalist?
A: Puppies stop whinning after they grow up.

How Do You Spite an Environmentalist? Turn on All of the Lights!

"If a tree falls in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, how will the Environmentalists react?"

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"President Bush has a plan [to fight global warming]. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

Q&A
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!
What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi
How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? He's still there.
What did the hippie say after the drugs wore off? 'Man, this music sucks!'

Clunk · Ejected Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 935 Status:

Q. What has Kodak and a Condom got in common?

A. They are both there to capture that special moment.

Clunk · Ejected Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 935 Status:

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy
beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like
of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock
of bright blue electricity,she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
bolloxs chopped off now, don't you?"

Clunk · Ejected Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 935 Status:

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in
on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your
mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her
mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy
that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red
ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father
what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type
that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her
mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."

Clunk · Ejected Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 935 Status:

A YOUNG MAN CALLED STEVE INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME STEVE'S
FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS.

OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN STEVE AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, STEVE VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO STEVE SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID STEVE,

SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE STEVE

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, STEVE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Local lass · Calnetalk Oracle Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 4792 Status:

i like that one

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.