[Top Dog]

This is the thread to tell us your jokes.
Should they be viewed as to offenive they will be removed by the moderator team.

[Top Dog]

B&Q Warning

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b**tard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Pass this warning on.

[Top Dog]

Chav chat up lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Fat Penguin ... Sorry. I just wanted to say somethin' that would break the ice.

8 ) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

And ... The best fer last!!

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!!!
_________________

[Top Dog]

The world according to Andy rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.  It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?  Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house.  I live in Los Angeles . I already have bars on the windows.  I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.  And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.  Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory.  We can take off the ring.  But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning.  We men wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"  It's because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the midwest.  Very nice people there.  Very wholesome.  They use words like 'Cripes'  'For Cripes sake.'  Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?  The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making fun of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?  Out entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine?  "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is: "Share the love."  BEEP
"Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling....  Speaking of being positive, your test results are back.  Stop sharing the love.."
_________________

[Top Dog]

Just seen this on another forum, but it is one of the funniest things I have seen in ages. Hope it makes everyone smile.

Got this mailed to me, they look like VIZ letters . . .

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bdooly nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond

[Top Dog]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!!

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.  I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.  I walked back home to get my husband's help.  When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.  I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.  When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.  I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.  I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.  I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.  Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.  If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.  If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[Top Dog]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only
to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows,
motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd
never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make
ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?


He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the
matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows
and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old
woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow
began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the
old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.


The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the
field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the
farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No'
said the farmer 'who?'

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It's worth it ..... trust
me
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'That was Thora
Hird.'

[Top Dog]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.? The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Vodafone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f**k-all about my business.
Now give me back my dog.
_________________

[Top Dog]

3 ducks are sitting by a pond
One says 'quack'
The second says 'I was just going to say that'
The third one says '**** me, talking ducks'

A penguin walks into a bar, and says to the barman,
"My brother was in here earlier, have you seen him?"
The barman replies, "I don't know.
What does he look like?"

A routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the car park empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. My equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian,"tonight officer, I'm the designated decoy."

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other : "Flippin' 'eck, I can't drive this ! "

Q: What's got three wheels and drives along the
bottom of the riverbed?
A: A motorpike and sidecarp.

This guy is driving a truckload of penguins up the A68 to Edinburgh Zoo. He's just heading up Carter Bar when his wagon breaks down so there he is stuck in the middle of nowhere with a truck load of penguins.
He flags down a passing van and tells the driver his predicament.
'I'll give you £200 if you can take them to the zoo for me'
The van driver is headed home empty so he agrees, takes the £200 and loads up the penguins.
Next day, his wagon fixed, our guy gets to Edinburg and there he sees the van driver, leading a whole flock of penguins up the Royal Mile.
'Hey mate! I thought you were taking them to the Zoo for me' he says.
'Well I did that yesterday, but I had some money left over so now I'm taking them to see the castle'

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo".
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"Well, if it's all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady.
"But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

Two men in an airport bump into each other.
The first man says "I can't find my wife" and the second replies "I can't find mine either: what does yours look like?"
"Well", the first man replies, "she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?"
"To hell with her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".

A scouser goes on holiday to Australia and gets stopped at immigration: the official says: "I see you're scouse, Bruce: do you have a criminal record?"
The scouser replies: "I didn't think that was still an entrance requirement."

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

And the last one

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum, tishhh

[Top Dog]

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says - "why the long face?"  
_________________
a man walks in to a bar.
he should have ducked

[Top Dog]

Three men are sitting in a bar.

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

[Top Dog]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW!
We
Need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you
LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
Think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
When I'm driving."

[Top Dog]

Swearing at Work:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a
f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the
f*** do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off
a*se-wipe
5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a
telegraph pole
6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell
someone who gives a f***.
7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my
f***ing problem, mate.
8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?
9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given
timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's
got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway

[Top Dog]

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.
No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in horror ........"F***ING HELL !" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????.
_________________

[Top Dog]

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee everymorning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Top Dog]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Top Dog]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and
go as a toffee apple!

[Top Dog]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"


Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a leak." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."


Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.


So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner." The teacher passed out.

[Top Dog]

The 7 stages of sex


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least...
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

[Top Dog]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

Lawyer: Your Honour, the defendent is accused of unlawfully have sex with a sheep
Judge: With a ewe?
Lawyer: Pardon, Your Honour?
Judge: With a ewe?
Lawyer: No, Your Honour, he is accused of having sex with a sheep not with me!

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'"

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."


Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."


Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Fella in court for shoplifting.
Magistrate--what did you want viagra for?
Witness--because me thingy does'nt work!
Magistrate--what do you do without it?
Witness-- we have oral sex
Magistrate-- How?
Witness-- We talk about it.
_________________

[Top Dog]

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?! Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, erm...no."
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase"

[Top Dog]

A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.
"I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ******* ," screams the woman.
"That's funny," he mutters back. "You sound like her, too."

_______________________________________________________

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

________________________________________________________

Padddy was driving home drunk when he suddenly swerved to miss a tree.
And then swerved to miss another.
Then another.
Then another.
And another.
Moments later, a police car pulls him over and Padddy tells him about the trees. The copper says: "Bejeezuzs, Padddy thats your ******** air freshener!"

[Top Dog]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and Is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe in the power of God to intervene on the behalf
of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness,
and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"

[Local lass]

man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he
Writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
Cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
A pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability,
So he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long
Robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
Look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
Emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
He writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an
Accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a
tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a
toffee apple

[Top Dog]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. 'a recipe..'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USAfairytale and a southern USAfairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Local lass]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ...



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding .

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[Local lass]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.'

[Clunk]

Two tourists were driving through Wales at Llanhyfryddawellehynafolybaarcudprinddanfygy. They stopped for lunch and asked the waitress, 'Before we order could you please settle an argument for us, and pronounce where we are.....Very slowly?
The waitress leaned over and said....'Burr-Gurr-King'

[Top Dog]

i liked that one

[Clunk]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the armed Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

[Local lass]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She  told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the  bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver  and the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went
upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the
bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had
got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as
she asked him what the matter was.

He said, "Honey, you were right.  All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in!!!