| Archive for calnetalk.com The place to find new friends and meet up with old ones |
| Top Dog |
The joke thread -not for the easily offendedThis is the thread to tell us your jokes.Should they be viewed as to offenive they will be removed by the moderator team. 
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B&Q Warning
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday. I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b**tard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Pass this warning on. |
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Chav chat up lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 7) Fat Penguin ... Sorry. I just wanted to say somethin' that would break the ice. 8 ) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. And ... The best fer last!! 12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!!! _________________ |
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The world according to Andy rooney
1. Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees. 2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter". 3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles . I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. 4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners. My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes. 5. Andy Rooney on morning differences. Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. 6. Andy Rooney on cripes My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? 7. Rooney on Grandma My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. 8. Rooney on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.." _________________ |
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Just seen this on another forum, but it is one of the funniest things I have seen in ages. Hope it makes everyone smile.
Got this mailed to me, they look like VIZ letters . . . If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing. Christina Martin, London I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem. Martin Kristos It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. Johnny Pring I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm. Alan Heath A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. M Lovejoy "She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes. Mrs Pinches, Hereford I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. S Prodnipple, Scarborough So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh. D Antarctica, Rhyll I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. Stella Matlock What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. T Potter Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. Warren THIS new police knife amnesty is a bdooly nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. Neil Palmer I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something. A Terrorist WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. Stu Bray 'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill 'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. Raymond |
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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!!
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk -------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter |
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A farmer goes out to his field one morning only
to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by. 'No' said the farmer 'who?' * Scroll down * * * * * Wait for it * * * * It's worth it ..... trust me * * * * * * * * * * * 'That was Thora Hird.' |
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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.? The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Vodafone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep". "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant" says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f**k-all about my business. Now give me back my dog. _________________ |
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3 ducks are sitting by a pond
One says 'quack' The second says 'I was just going to say that' The third one says '**** me, talking ducks' A penguin walks into a bar, and says to the barman, "My brother was in here earlier, have you seen him?" The barman replies, "I don't know. What does he look like?" A routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the car park empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. My equipment must be broken." "I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian,"tonight officer, I'm the designated decoy." Two fish in a tank. One says to the other : "Flippin' 'eck, I can't drive this ! " Q: What's got three wheels and drives along the bottom of the riverbed? A: A motorpike and sidecarp. This guy is driving a truckload of penguins up the A68 to Edinburgh Zoo. He's just heading up Carter Bar when his wagon breaks down so there he is stuck in the middle of nowhere with a truck load of penguins. He flags down a passing van and tells the driver his predicament. 'I'll give you £200 if you can take them to the zoo for me' The van driver is headed home empty so he agrees, takes the £200 and loads up the penguins. Next day, his wagon fixed, our guy gets to Edinburg and there he sees the van driver, leading a whole flock of penguins up the Royal Mile. 'Hey mate! I thought you were taking them to the Zoo for me' he says. 'Well I did that yesterday, but I had some money left over so now I'm taking them to see the castle' A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo". A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "Well, if it's all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady. "But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that." Two men in an airport bump into each other. The first man says "I can't find my wife" and the second replies "I can't find mine either: what does yours look like?" "Well", the first man replies, "she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?" "To hell with her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours". A scouser goes on holiday to Australia and gets stopped at immigration: the official says: "I see you're scouse, Bruce: do you have a criminal record?" The scouser replies: "I didn't think that was still an entrance requirement." A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick." And the last one Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum, tishhh |
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says - "why the long face?"
_________________ a man walks in to a bar. he should have ducked |
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Three men are sitting in a bar.
The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!" |
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We Need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You Think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like When I'm driving." |
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Swearing at Work:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face. 13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway |
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A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in horror ........"F***ING HELL !" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????. _________________ |
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Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee everymorning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." |
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple! |
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During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a leak." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant. So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner." The teacher passed out. |
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The 7 stages of sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least... The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on. |
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Lawyer: Your Honour, the defendent is accused of unlawfully have sex with a sheep Judge: With a ewe? Lawyer: Pardon, Your Honour? Judge: With a ewe? Lawyer: No, Your Honour, he is accused of having sex with a sheep not with me! Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year." Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" Witness: "'Winchester'" Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?" Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask." Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?" Witness: "Er...his face." Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which." Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?" Witness: "Forty-five years." Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?" Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think." Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?" Witness: "After the accident?" Lawyer: "Before the accident." Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it." Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "What did she say?" Witness: "'What disco am I at?'" Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?" Officer: "Yes, I do." Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?" Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly." Lawyer: "What happened then?" Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" Lawyer: "Did he kill you?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment." Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?" Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?" Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" Witness: "I went to Europe, sir." Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?" Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?" Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" Witness: "Four times." Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?" Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?" Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" Witness: "Not yet." Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?" Witness: "Borofkin." Lawyer: "What's his first name?" Witness: "I can't remember." Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?" Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!" Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?" Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region." Lawyer: "What is your marital status?" Witness: "Fair." Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced." Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about." Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?" Witness: "My ex-widow said it. Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?" Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good." Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?" Witness: "Yes sir." Lawyer: "Before or after he died?" The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any." Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?" Witness: "Picking them up in the air." Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?" Witness: "Attached to the ears." Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?" Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot." Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?" Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture." Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." Lawyer: "It was covered?" Witness: "Yes, bandaged." Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?" Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head." Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?" Witness: "I could see his head." Lawyer: "And where was his head?" Witness: "Just above his shoulders." Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?" Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk." Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?" Witness: "The victim lived." Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas." Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." Fella in court for shoplifting. Magistrate--what did you want viagra for? Witness--because me thingy does'nt work! Magistrate--what do you do without it? Witness-- we have oral sex Magistrate-- How? Witness-- We talk about it. _________________ |
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| Top Dog |
"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?! Would Ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well, erm...no." So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase" |
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| Top Dog |
A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.
"I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ******* ," screams the woman. "That's funny," he mutters back. "You sound like her, too." _______________________________________________________ A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey." ________________________________________________________ Padddy was driving home drunk when he suddenly swerved to miss a tree. And then swerved to miss another. Then another. Then another. And another. Moments later, a police car pulls him over and Padddy tells him about the trees. The copper says: "Bejeezuzs, Padddy thats your ******** air freshener!" |
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| Top Dog |
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and Is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!" |
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| Local lass |
man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he Writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will Cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as A pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, So he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long Robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really Look the part. The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from Emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So He writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an Accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple |
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| Top Dog |
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?' Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. 'a recipe..' How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern USAfairytale and a southern USAfairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***...' Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides. |
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| Local lass |
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding . Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please . Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!! Don't Mess With Old Ladies |
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| Local lass |
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.' |
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| Clunk |
Two tourists were driving through Wales at Llanhyfryddawellehynafolybaarcudprinddanfygy. They stopped for lunch and asked the waitress, 'Before we order could you please settle an argument for us, and pronounce where we are.....Very slowly?
The waitress leaned over and said....'Burr-Gurr-King' |
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| Top Dog |
i liked that one |
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| Clunk |
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the armed Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer. Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer. Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!". So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!" |
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| Local lass |
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!! |
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| Geddi |
A rabbi and a priest no 1Ham SandwichA priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a bacon butty." The priest nodded in understanding and says with a large grin on his face: "Tasty, aint it!" and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he leans in close and says, "Better than a bacon butty, ain't it?" |
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| Geddi |
No jewsThe following sign is posted in the front window of a local neighborhood business.WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 TERRORISTS. THAN WITH ONE JEW. GOLDBERG'S FUNERAL HOME |
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| Geddi |
A rabbi and a priest no 2.An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one doin' the drinkin'." |
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| Geddi |
A jew in confessionA 91 year old man is sat in a confessional box in a catholic church. He is telling the priest inside that he has been married for 75 years to his wife whom he loves very much, but a week before he had picked up a young woman who was hitch hiking, taken the 22 year old student to a motel and had a three day sex marathon with her in violation of his marriage vows for the first time in his life.The priest asks the old man: "How do you feel about your sin?" The old man replies: "What sin?" Priest: "What sin? What kind of catholic are you?" Old man: "I'm not catholic, I'm jewish." Priest: "Then why are you here telling me?" Old man: "I'm telling f*c*i*ng EVERYONE!" |
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| Geddi |
Why don't men get multiple organsms?
We don't deserve them! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do women get periods? Because they do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Can't she cook in the dark? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why are men like carpets? Once you got us laid properly, you can walk all over us! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you stop a woman giving oral sex? Marry her! |
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| Local lass |
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." | ||
| Local lass |
man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says confused "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers," You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and So I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she. |
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| Local lass |
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| Local lass |
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| GTB |
Re: No jews
It took me a while on this one........... :lol: :oops: |
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| kathy27 |
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF. 2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK. 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM. 9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS . |
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| Geddi |
Why do women have two sets of lips?
One set to nag at you with, and the other to apologize with. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?" The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house, have sex, then you disappear. Simple!" |
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| Local lass |
like the lip joke :lol: | ||
| Block67 |
:lol: Some quotes and quips I came across:
Q: What’s the difference between a puppy and a enviromentalist? A: Puppies stop whinning after they grow up. How Do You Spite an Environmentalist? Turn on All of the Lights! "If a tree falls in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, how will the Environmentalists react?" "It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature." "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." "President Bush has a plan [to fight global warming]. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius." "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." Q&A Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man! What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? He's still there. What did the hippie say after the drugs wore off? 'Man, this music sucks!' |
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| Clunk |
Q. What has Kodak and a Condom got in common?
A. They are both there to capture that special moment. |
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| Clunk |
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my bolloxs chopped off now, don't you?" |
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| Clunk |
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." |
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| Clunk |
A YOUNG MAN CALLED STEVE INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME STEVE'S
FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN STEVE AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE. READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, STEVE VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES". ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO STEVE SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID STEVE, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE STEVE SEVERAL DAYS LATER, STEVE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM |
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| Local lass |
i like that one
Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. |
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| Clunk |
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25 , a woman is like Africa : wild , naturally beautiful and full of mysterious , fertile deltas. - Between 26 and 34 , a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade , especially for those with stacks of money. I'm drooling with desire - Between 35 and 44 , a woman is like India : sensual , relaxed , in full bloom , aware of her beauty. - Between 45 and 54 , a woman is like France : deliciously mature , still a pleasant destination to visit. - Between 55 and 60 , a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war , haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer. - Between 61 and 65 , a woman is like Russia : vast , with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors. -Between 66 and 70 , a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past , great conquests , but without a future. - After 70 , a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts , but no-one dares to venture there... MALE GEOGRAPHY - Between 15 and 90 , a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick... |
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| kathy27 |
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......' |
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| The Organ Grinder |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _________________________________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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| Local lass |
I like that one :lol: | ||
| Local lass |
BRAVE MAN JOKES
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.' Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep' ------------------! ------------------------------------------------- A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year' ------------------! ------------------------------------------------- A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litre s of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.' The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. _________________ What goes around comes around. |
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| Geddi |
Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, Her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a Prostitute..." "Ye WHAT!!? Out of here!!, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!!." "OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $10 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible sports car that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, Sniff. A prostitute!!!" "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug." |
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| Local lass |
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F* CKING PORRIDGE YET!!! |
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| Geddi |
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Nice one. 
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| Geddi |
An older man steams into the Doctor's surgery as soon as the last patient leaves and smacks the Dr straight in his eye - >SMaCK<
The Dr staggers back and raises his hands demanding what the hell is going on? The older man glares at him, seething and with his fists tightly clenched and spits out the damning accusation: "You told my wife she has a pretty fanny, you unprofessional b@st@rd. I'll have your job for this ..." and launches into a tirade of abuse. The GP is bemused and, whilst fending off further intended blows, calls out: "you've got this all wrong. I simply told your wife she has acute angina!" |
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| abitmuch |
A hole has been found in a local nudist camp.
Police are looking into it. |
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| Top Dog |
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yiT7MtEG5Do | ||
| Top Dog |
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. |
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| Top Dog |
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER |
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| kathy27 |
> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
> > FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, > > > > 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? > > IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' > > > > HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, > > 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY > FOREHEAD? > > I DON'T THINK SO!' > > > > 'FINE!' > > > > THEN THE WIFE ASKS, > > 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? > > IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT' > > > > TO WHICH HE REPLIED, > > 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? > > DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' > > WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? > > I DON'T THINK SO!' > > > > 'FINE!' SHE SAYS > > 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS > > TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' > > > > 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T > > WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' > > WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? > > I DON'T THINK SO! > > I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!' > > > > SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A > > COUPLE OF HOURS................ > > > > HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW > > HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES > > TO GO HOME > > > > AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES > > THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. > > > > AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE > > HALL LIGHT IS WORKING > > > > AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES > > THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. > > > > HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' > > SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT > > OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, > AND I TOLD HIM. > > HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO > BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.' > > > > HE SAID, > > 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?' > > > > SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY > FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' |
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